Its okay that sometimes my anxiety is bad. Me? And Im feeling like, right, not only do I not know how to negotiate this myself, I also dont know what to tell my kid to say in this situation. It generally meant that they had read somewhere on some really stupid website that you should try to get the girl you want to talk about herself, because girls like to talk about themselves. Good old traffic, Ill probably be stuck out all day!, or Nope, gotta get the groceries, what about you?, or Nah, looking forward to some peace and quiet, hows your Wednesday looking?. Im also self employed and use a similar excuse. This way Im letting them know why in the same breath, and giving them a potential out. Im white. Vagueing it up works for me. This is a great one because it invites the other person to tell you something that they want to share. Her Kid: *rings doorbell* again my mum says shall we wait for you? We were asking about things they like or dont like about America compared to the countries they grew up in. I just wanted to add that in my experience as a POC in a white majority country its mostly been well-meaning people who have made me feel discriminated against. Jumping from Are you doing anything on the 3rd? to I need to know if youre coming on the 3rd so I know how many pies to bake! would be really confusing. I make it about my feelings for a bunch of reasons. This realization is making me like Tuesdays more.) Right now? Everyone else usually stops after the how-are-yous are exchanged. Its setting off the Gift of Fear sirens in my head. If its just a soft open to an invitation, you can be annoyed by it, or you can say, I dunno, you?. "Thanks, it was a chance to relax and I am grateful for that.". Im busy! Trust issues and controlling family? [I often go in around lunch time.] When Ive used it outside of the US and on people who are not Anglophones from birth, its often perceived as prying which, in those countries, it is. But I dont ask them where theyre from, because its really none of my business; there are other kinds of small talk to make. If you can walk away from them, they're successful. Young women and girls are not stupid. I didnt realize it until I noticed they were running a long-term experiment when they traveled of noting responses they said they like Canada and big chunks of northern and western US, because if they say theyre British, no one bats an eye despite their obvious Polish accents. It sounds like you find the second uncomfortable or have had bad experiences with people misusing it to manipulate you. My mum likes to do similar things, trying to out me on the spot and pressure me to agree to things when Im on the phone to her. ME: Hi [Friend], Id like to plan a karaoke night with you, are you free [date] or [date]? IMO the correct answer to we should get lunch some time or lets hang out is actually sure, Saturdays are generally good for me or Ive been meaning to see Black Panther. Rob: I'm just leaving for work. I would actually be pretty weirded out by a friend who a) felt this was genuinely intrusive BUT b) also would not actually tell me they felt this was too intrusive. Usually people have to give me a straight answer after that. I think Im just reacting to the comments that seem to me to have a Thats just the way it is, you have to deal vibe, partly because it seems to make sense that someone would write in for specific strategies of how to deal while getting as much of what they want and as little of what they dont want as possible. I guess its a cultural thing, I come from a non-English speaking country in Europe and here, I feel, admitting that you dont have Plans-Plans, and then declining an invitation, would be seen as pretty rude. Why do you ask? is my go-to response as well. parents of adult children pull this exact same rude little stunt, I am the parent of an adult child who is living at home, and I have been training myself since her teenhood to say, I would like to claim some of your time this weekend or I would like to ask a favor for this weekend, if youre available. or would you help me with X instead of are you busy? (OK, sometimes Ill say, Are you busy? I use the phrase same old stuff! In this situation. Although I do the opposite: Im ALWAYS busy/have to work, when certain people ask. If they mean well then they will try to stop when you explain that you prefer to be asked directly. Good, looks like the flowers are coming out (in Spring) I can ask them on Monday how it was. Rob: Hey Jan. Good, thanks, you? I can also see how always hearing a particular question before being asked a favor is going to start getting on your nerves. Oh, such discerning eyes. So she says no. The good news is that when you sense an ulterior motive or that an invitation is imminent you can answer Dunno, Id have to look at my calendar to say for sure. And genuinely interested in what theyre doing! Anyway, the grad students said one woman asked, How do you think she got like that? and others nodded with pursed lips, agreeing that there was something wrong there. Its okay that I struggle with anxiety. I dont hear it much in my circles, and if it does come up I just say something noncommittal and wait for them to present a direct invitation or request if they want to. Funny Bumble Answers #3: Rebel Without A Cause This answer is funny because it paints a picture in the woman's mind of a rebel, even in his youth. How should I respond? Nowadays I usually use The Captains great script: I do not know yet, I have to check my calendar. (Wriggle your hips) I am as happy as a tick on a big, fat doggy. This way, you are always busy when those people ask. Once upon a time I had a friend. I dont remember why anymore but at some point I agreed to share my google calendar with this friend. I think the idea at first was to make it easier to plan hangouts. Humor is one of the best ways to respond to being asked out, as long as it's well-received. I just want to say I appreciate that, you know, you havent started charging your daughter rent, etc. I agree with the Captain that its all about boundaries. This is true, but it will almost certainly come with a cost. Absolutely, this too. Or is there a better way to handle this? Lead with the actual invitation. Thats a very uncomfortable and isolating feeling. In conclusion the rules arent really all that different. And partly because, depending on exactly what one wants and what cost one is willing to pay, challenging the culture is how it gets changed. Nobody seems to be doing well by this arrangement. The Im entitled to your assistance is the MINOR part of this.). (So Tuesday is the only day safe from that question, ha. After decades of various sorts of problem behavior from my father, I literally hit a brick wall of having had enough, and weve been done ever since. Its not an actual request for information, its a greeting and acknowledgement of each others existence. I honestly dont know how young people are functioning as well as they are, given that. To pretend that it wont have a cost societally. I dont feeling hes hitting on me exactly, though I am not answering in a way he likes/expects (am I supposed to be chatty bc Im young-ish and female? This strikes me as so strange! What are you up to this weekend? sounds like small talk, though it obviously depends if the asker is a known power-player. I use this regularly, as does most of my social group. So threatening to make her move out is just not wise. (Women with STEM doctorates especially get constant streamers of this kind of contempt from their families.). At least, it never has for me! Not every parent who expects stuff from their kid is unreasonable. I actually liked her kid, and if shed just said she needed a sitter instead of tricking me into it, I wouldnt have minded babysitting.I ended up filling that child with sugar and caffeinated soda (he had a grand time), and forever answering Im so busy, ugh to all future questions about my plans. @Kacienna: Im saying that because in other posts, people have literally advocated for saying just No, thanks! to an overture like We should get coffee sometime. And I mean that is not just going to burn bridges, that is going to blow them up, and not just with the person youre speaking toits going to look Super Off to observers and cost you with them as well. I dont worry when people say no to me either. Also, I dont expect that the LW is bothered by every person who casually asks this question; Im sure they can tell when someone is just making chit chat vs someone who is interested in spending time together. I like to piss her off so Im honest with her. My ILs do this. Tell her that you're there for her to make her laugh, if she needs some company. I really enjoyed my years living in the American South, but I realized the day would never come when I wouldnt be seen as an outsider. Fine, thanks, and you? Certain relatives. My blood pressure. Opposite of what I want . Are you busy? Maybe we could get together. This sentence should never be solo. All five are information-seeking: listen closely, and you will learn something about that person's life, character, and ideas. How do I know if my comment was lost or is just stuck in a mod queue? You? and see if he gets stuck in a loop. The first time I posted a little comment showed up saying that my comment was pending mod review since it was my first comment but I dont see one of those now. LW, if it makes you feel any better, when many people ask this question, they arent doing it to trap you into something (though some are, of course). I get the friendly sentiment, but its not always welcome and people would do well to use more discretion. My Kid: No (shuts door again) Great! Yes, this. Setting a timer or alarms. Like, you want to hang out with me, but dont want to ask me straight up. You enjoy making this girl smile and make her day with your humor. Doing great, what are you doing here? If ever there was a moment for the standard Wow script, this surely would be it. Examples include: I'm so glad you reached out to me! Basically, I dont think people are trying to be manipulative and I do think youre overthinking this, OP. The first time I heard this, I wondered who opened my brain while I was sleeping and pulled the song out and put it in a movie soundtrack. I was going to say, my experience with We should hang out some time! and the like are that theyre more of a social gesture. Except LW specifically said that with the peer-friends who are not using it as entrapment, LW doesnt find it problematic at all. Me: Nope. I recognize that the question can DEFINITELY be used to intentionally or unconsciously other people, Her problem with it seemed more about having to answer it ALL the time than any implied racism or xenophobia. In fact there the joke of cant do that, I have to.. (silly excuse of having plans like go wash my hair) that day illustrating that sometimes the white lie of making up plans is an easy way to get out of doing something. Good enough. It might be helpful to reframe this, because the vast majority of the time its not going to be meant as a high-pressure question. If you have a new question, start a new topic. Sometimes I think if Im going to make something up it might as well be along the lines of going to the moon or whatever. If you use the same phrasing with suddenly a dramatically different meaning, its not other peoples fault if they dont know youve changed the meaning on them. I ask that question so I wont impose myself on someone by asking them to do something if they already have plans. (Seriously? Most of them, anyway. Or else, Id rather people not start a conversation unless they have something specific to say, unless its somebody like my sister who I know well enough to talk about nothing and enjoy it. Which is honest at least. Ive found that Why do you ask? comes across as a little cold or accusatory over text, but can be really warm/ friendly in person or over the phone. For the record, I will totally cat-sit for you. Its okay that I dont want to tell my coworkers the details of what Im reading and I get to choose who I want to share details of my life with. When its done as the pre-request, I get really annoyed that the person wont just ask me directly. Nothing very interesting. Today I feel blessed and happy for no reason. Totally fair and perfectly polite. Try repeating Fine, thanks. That is my current standard response. So setting a rent that I would for any other adult is simply not applicable. Im lucky because any plans for the weekend? questions are just small talk (i.e. Nothing much. (To the point where one of my coworkers will sometimes ask What are you doing this weekend? Like oh youd rather do nothing at all than do this activity with me, wow., I wish I had better boundaries around that. Theyre so nice and interested, they cant possibly be racist/microaggressive! I think its more like, LW has a bunch of overbearing, annoying relatives who use this as a manipulation tactic, so she now sees it as one. One evening he bragged that he never outright asked anyone to do anything for him. If youd rather not, I would love to immediately pretend this never happened and talk about dinosaurs for the next ten minutes, and then never bring it up again. And then you get people who let it go there and people who keep fishing (where are your parents from? etc etc because they think its impolite to ask WHAT are you, but they really really want to know, so they know what stereotypes to assign you, as you said, or even because theyre just curious, like youre an object). And take LWs at their word, maybe? 14 "It was a riot! Im in my late 50s and, frankly, my plans for the weekend are likely to be boring to this younger inquirer. Although you risk hearing all about the questioners plans. Also: owning that I dont always have to say yes Im getting there! I was never taught that was the correct answer. If one of us is dropping the ball about getting back to you, say so. Can we not use spaz/spazzy, please? If the person you're talking to has seen Doctor Horrible's Sing Along Blog, they'll appreciate the joke. Sometimes friends do tell me theyre free, but if I suggest something, they might still say nah, not what I want to do this weekend and thats fine as well! That way, he proudly announced, he never owed them a favor in return. And when I say angling, it might not be in a cornering way. Getting this question still stresses me out because I feel like I have to work 100x harder to set and enforce said boundaries than if people just asked up front. If its not something Im into, I feel pressure to say yes because she knows Im not busy. No one asks or cares, but its as vague as the original request and helps facilitate the DELAY! tactic the Captain talks about. Does that mean that these women would get constant requests for free tech support? I am eating. Its okay that sometimes Im in physical pain and need time to recuperate. "Thank you, I appreciate that.". Him: You must be doing something. I think my aunt asks this question for the same reason you do. I appreciate the suggestions about responses, having to deal with a pushy in-law (nosy for information and has a big sense of entitlement). "Hope you are doing well" is actually a pretty common opening line when people write emails. And sometimes its due to the other person not grasping the soft no/non-answer to drop the conversation (generally people I am not already friends with, like the one bank teller who keeps on asking* and that I do find nosy/irritating). Lessons in Love from Julia Roberts Movies true tho like next t inme ill say this and it will. In the age of smartphones I also often find that my calendar is inside the device Im holding up to my ear In theory I could ask them to pause the conversation while I check the calendar, but I havent yet found a script to actually get them to stop talking while I do that. I also feel compelled to give easy ways out when I feel like Im making a request, including ending requests with and no is a perfectly acceptable answer.. I need you to babysit. Apparently, social people use this question as a test to see if you are really one of them. Where I live, in Sweden, you can ask your family, friends, coworkers etc How are you? and the reply would typically be somewhere between Its good and Im a litte tired because the baby has a cold, but otherwise things are good, but never Kind of bad, my depression is making life really dark right now (at least not when used as a small-talk question). An alternative then is to actually mention the fact that you are sending them an email. Well, have fun whatever you end up doing / decide to do. If you have a faaaaaaaamlyyyyyyyyyyyyyy culture where not providing free labor on demand for family makes you the jerk, lean in to it and accept the mantle of jerk; this frees you from ever needing to try to avoid that label in the future. Its hard to navigate things as just small talk when follow-up questions and comments quickly lead to territory I dont want to discuss. Thats kind of taking it 4 out of context to say they dont understand. "That is very thoughtful of you, it was a nice weekend.". No Response. I know this is a small complaint, in the grand scheme of things, and I usually handle it by changing the subject to something Im interested in if I *do* feel like conversing. And sometimes the answer is well but if they respond that way theyre not your friends anyway, but we interact with a lot of people who are not our friends but who are important to our lives (coworkers, for example, or in-laws) and yet who can levy that cost. I actually trained my mother out of this question by responding to every vague What are you doing on X? by saying Tell me what you really want to know. Fortunately, my mother is a reasonable person who understands boundaries, and mostly just laughed and said Good point, Z is going on and Id like to go and wanted company. She also totally gets my introversion and that sometimes I dont have anything going on but Id still rather not do Z is a perfectly valid answer. We cheerfully said we were free, assuming there was going to some festive get together and wanting to make friends. Another get out the LW could use is, Im still figuring out my plans for that daywas there something you wanted us to do together? and then Yes, thatll work, if you want to do the thing, or Hm, I dont think I can fit that in, if you dontno need to specify that the thing that it wont fit into is a day of sitting around in your pajamas and binge-watching things on Netflix. Ill assume thats the case and check back later. Which I learned is a great policy to do with favor sharks. Which is odd, because if anyone has an aura of genius around them, she does. We do this so thoroughly that we then have to figure out how to re-train them so this doesnt put them at greater risk in the presence of predators, and we dont do that re-training thoroughly enough. Ugh. I mean, what else are you supposed to do with life? If I catch myself, before they respond lll clarify what my actual invitation is. Do you like, like me? I dont know. Brief excerpts (<250 words) may be shared with attribution & a link to the original post. Sadly its never QUITE a lie, hahaha. Well see you at other time, but not in the morning.. Have a very happy weekend! You (if you are up for it potentially) yeah, thatd be fun Similar boundary setting but this is a different angle. The bad news is that this question probably isnt going anywhere in our lifetime. I have some friends who are really passive about planning things and it drives me insane I have started actively responding what did you have in mind? and batting back all their attempts to make me plan the night. I myself often do not care what Im eating because FOOD, but even if I have zero preference as to the restaurant, I will engage in the decision making process in order to help the other person out, and also because it gets us to food that much faster. Dont ask each of us the same question. No matter what I say its, okay, well I was just gonna see if you wanted to [actual invitation / request]. Its bugged me as an opener for a date until I found this phrasing. Life is filled with lots of required thing that some folks loathe and others either like or dont care either way. We had to interrupt her to say, We = mom and me, and you got mad so fast, we never got to say would you like to come along? as much as it is practicing not giving into pressure to give an explanation of your schedule OR an immediate answer. Am I supposed to answer? Another option is to have certain chores that a certain person does (e.g. 8. I feel like sometimes there is such a huge anti-parent bias among the commenters here. I chitchat with cashiers so its totally fine to say something like, Ah, gosh, so crazy today I got a flat tire and Im just grabbing something easy for dinner. In other words if you have the time and energy to construct a lowkey, mildly entertaining story then go for it, otherwise just stick with Great, how are you? and you can let the conversation drop from there. If they play extra coy with me, Ill just be extra cryptic in return. Of course, you might have said that when you know that movie will be out for weeks and youd absolutely prefer to have an excuse to build a couch cushion fort and have an audience who is actually impressed by your terrible magic tricks, and no one wins. Hah. Thats the way to go. Can I let you know for sure tomorrow?. Sometimes, answering a question with a question is the best strategy. For people I know, the answer is closer to what you say is the norm in Sweden anything from Having a truly awesome day to Need more coffee to counteract the baby waking up an hour before the alarm. For close friends, I can and have answered with details about what the brain weasels are up to today. When I tell you Ill be meal planning this weekend thats not an invitation for you to tell me all of your diet ideas and which meals are healthier. [Note to my friend who also reads CA, this is not you ], I tend to do direct invites, sometimes with a range of possible dates, but I have occasionally done the We should do [X] sometime! and had months go by without getting around to organizing [X], even if Ive extended other invitations to the person also interested in [X]. Makes sense. I read that post all the time. Like Sounds great but tonight wouldnt work for me or Yknow what, Im pretty tired, I could have made something shorter work but that play will just be too much or just Hm, nah. Yes! And that goes triple if youre less privileged. After some reflection, my normal version of this (me asking) is You free this weekend? Any fun plans? I honestly dont even know why people say it at all when Ive never seen a follow-up to it. All five are initial questions, appropriate for a relatively fast . I usually respond Why do you need to know? unless its someone I really trust. So, when I do this I really am trying to get a feel for whether a busy people-pleaser like my Sis actually has time to do something on Saturday, rather than outright asking from the start and leading to her twisting herself into a pretzel trying to free up that specific block of time for me because she doesnt want to say no, Reading the LWs feelings about this situation and the comments, I can totally understand why someone would hate being asked in this way and why it might make it harder for some people to refuse something they dont want to do after theyve said theyre free, but Im still not quite sure what the solution is when dealing with someone who usually *does* seem to treat invitations as subpoenas. I might not feel quite as entitled to her time, but Id probably still think there were some things I could ask of her that shed be wrong to refuse. This is such a common question, and I have a memory like a sieve, and once or twice replied Nothing much and accepted invitations which ended up double booking myself. Maybe you have a mountain of laundry and it takes the whole weekend, or you are just doing the laundry inbetween other activities. I dont want to give you a rundown of my plans. But more often we talk about their kids or grandkids or the cute hat theyre wearing or the wedding theyre shopping for. You know the people youre interacting with and their likely motivations better than we do, of course, and definitely use the Captains scripts and bat the ball back across the net with I dont know, how about you? But I wonder if it would help to make these interactions less frustrating for you if you tried not to think of them as someone trying to get something from you that you dont want to give. Me: Nope. My husbands family is large and I generally love them, but sometimes I just do not want to eat little smokies and chips with 40 other people in a loud house with tons of screaming children.